Colorful flowers, beautiful décor, great weather, and the perfect white dress are the headlines for nearly every BRIDES magazine. It is clear that in our society, a wedding is one of the most important and most celebrated events in our lives. Preschool aged girls dream to meet their prince charming and run away with him and live happily ever after. It is a life dream, a goal, a wish; something that we were taught to look forward to since childhood. The question is, however, do all our childhood dreams of living “happily ever after” occur in marriage? Is prince charming always as charming as he was when a couple first met? Does the princess always stay as sweet as honey and serve her prince in every way? The answer is: yes, but only in fairytales. Since marriage is not a simple love affair (Campbell), some choose to say “goodbye” to their “lifelong” partner and select another fit; others stay in a marriage and suffer through the hard times. Although divorce may sometimes be the better choice, when it is looked as just a fix to the problem, it may hurt mothers in our society in a variety of ways.
Leading in technology, reading, and sports, America is also the leading country in divorce rates. According to the U.S. Census 2012, we are leading in divorce rates across the globe (Census). This means we have higher divorce rates than China, Russia, and every other country in the world.
Divorce is sometimes the good choice for both the man and woman, especially in abusive relationships, but it is oftentimes a result of miscommunication and disrespect. It can have many negative effects. Kristin Celello from The University of North Carolina in her book states, “While divorce is sometimes a necessity, it is also frequently the result of easily avoided misunderstandings”(Celello 14). Many times, instead of critical thinking, therapy, and problem solving, couples choose to give up the vows when rough times arrive. I will not be referring to extremely problematic and abusive marriages because in those cases, divorce is a choice and may be the best one out there for both men and women. I will be referring to non-abusive marriages that are problematic and choose to abandon marriage rather than mending it, and that may lead to a great deal of hurt rather than aid.
After divorce, many mothers are left financially insecure and economically vulnerable. Some have struggles financially directly after the separation occurs. According to Social Science & Medicine journal, Wickrama states, “divorce leads to a precipitous drop in financial security almost immediately after the divorce” (Wickrama). And the percent drop may be as high as 35% (Wickrama). This means that a mother’s total income drops right after the divorce is final and may be extremely difficult for her to gain financial stability to support both their children and themselves after the divorce.
Long ago, marriages were to be kept together by law, since it secured women’s financial status and kept families together. It somewhat prevented single-parenthood and protected children from becoming father-less. Leslie Bennett, Senior writer and Editor in Newsweek and The Daily Writer explains, “ It [marriage] was how women ensured their financial security, got the fathers of their children to stick around, and gained access to a host of legal rights”(Bennett). However, in the recent years, divorce rates have been increasing, and that could mean that the number of financially insecure women has also been increasing. In the 1880’s, divorce rates were 2.2 per 1,000 existing marriages (Oldham). In 1970’s the divorce rate increased to 9.3 per 1,000 couples (Oldham). And in the year of 2005, divorce rates were 16.7 per 1,000 married couples (Oldham). Divorce rates increased from 2.2 to 16.7 per 1,000 existing marriages. With the increase of divorce rates and because women’s income drops significantly after the divorce (Wickrama), there may be more and more financially insecure mothers in America.
With the rise of divorce also came the easier access to become divorced. This led to the rise of single-parent households and financially unstable women. Divorce is a choice that is given to almost any couple that desires to abandon marriage; that puts divorce rates to the high rise and mothers to a risk of financial insecurity. Thomas Oldham, in Family Law Quarterly wrote, “Until the 1960’s, all states required proof of ‘fault’ by the respondent before the petitioner could obtain a divorce… today, almost all states accept it [no fault divorce]”(Oldham). If the rules from the 60’s applied today, it would nearly be impossible for a couple to become divorced. They would have to include proof of adultery, abuse, and proof of fault. Today, all states accept “no fault” divorce, meaning that any couple that believes they should separate can do so by simply signing the divorce papers. In speaking to Malinda, a woman who lived through her parents’ divorce as a child says, “People are so quick to… ‘well if it doesn’t work then we’ll just divorce’”(Baken). With easier access to it and since everyone is doing it, divorce has become in some sense popular in our society (Marisa). But the easy access or no fault divorce leaves more mothers financially insecure.
Gaining financial stability is difficult, especially if the living costs are in the rise. It is very difficult in today’s world, for a single-household family to survive when childcare costs are from $4,500 to $18,800 a year ($375 to $1,567 per month); this represents childcare alone for one child, but does not include the living space, food, and clothing (Daycare). On top of daycare prices, the average cost for a one-bedroom apartment in Portland, Oregon, is $1,330 a month (Hosford). If a mother choses the cheapest daycare in town, combined with the average living cost, she will have to spend approximately $1,705 per month. Additionally, the cost of food will also need consideration. According to the USDA (U.S. Department of Agriculture), it takes $123.70 to feed a 4-5 year old for a month at a low-cost plan, and $216.90 to feed a 19-50 year old woman for one month (USDA). If a mother of one child is living in a one-bedroom apartment and eating a low-cost diet; her living expense per month would be $2,045.60. The amount above is not yet counting the amount of money it takes for the woman to travel to and from work and other expenses such as clothing, insurance, car parts replacement, etc. For a divorces mother, it may be extremely difficult to acquire financial stability with living costs at such high prices.
Not only are women and their financial status affected in result of divorce; their physical well being is also greatly affected. Dr. Wickham from Iowa State University, an expert in Family Studies states, “Diminished financial resources also limit access to health information and impact one’s opportunities or choices related to healthy behaviors such as sleeping habits, leisure time, recreational activities, and physical exercise” (Wickham 123). Since many single mothers are supporters of both their children and themselves and may experience a financial decline after divorce; they oftentimes have less financial resources. This means mothers are busier, trying to support themselves, and may not have enough time for a healthy life-style. In some cases, however, a woman may have a strong family and support system, where she does have to chances to partake in, and creates time alone fore relaxation. Unfortunately, many mothers don’t have such opportunities and are being greatly affected physically from many hours of work with no or little leisure time.
Because mothers are spending a lot of their time at work and supporting the family, health issues due to stress may occur. Mothers are extremely over-worked, since only 3 million out of 10 million fathers pay child support (Sorensen). This means that there are 7 million fathers who don’t pay child support and in turn are not financially supporting their children (Sorensen). This confirms the idea that many divorced mothers are struggling to provide on their own. To help encourage fathers to pay, workshops have been organized. For example, in President Obama’s speech, Obama conveys, “We need Fathers to step up, to realize that their job does not end at conception; that what makes you a man is not the ability to have a child, but the courage to raise one” (Obama). Unfortunately, with speeches and workshops, America’s single-parent household and divorce rates continue to rise. Conversely, more mothers are given the full responsibility of raising children on their own and that could severely affect their health.
Living an unhealthy lifestyle may be true for single moms after divorce, but for some, living in an unhealthy community is also a reality. “Divorced mothers may be more likely to live in unhealthy communities” says Dr. Wickrama, “where poor eating habits, smoking, and heavy drinking and normative and environmental toxins are prevalent”(Wickrama). That means that divorced mothers are more vulnerable to such communities. For a mother who is raising a child without any support from the father, it is extremely hard to survive living in a good neighborhood and a healthy community. One single mother says, “I get up. I make myself wake up every day. I tell myself to do more than just wake up. I live. I am a screw up, not special human being just like everyone else (Tekkamaki). This mother could be at a very high risk to drink, smoke, and raise her child in a non-healthy way. Many mothers who live in unhealthy communities may be prone to commit unhealthy activities and have an unhealthy life style.
When going through a divorce, it is not a simple action. It may require moving to a different area, planning visits, and dividing ownership. Malinda, who experienced her parents’ divorce says, “We moved to California… I remember being put on an airplane to go visit him [her father]” (Baken). That means there are possible stresses of moving, settling in, planning visiting days and so on. It can be very stressful for a divorced mother to go through the trouble of planning a place for living, moving, and visiting days with little or no support from the father. Unless the mother has developed a healthy relationship with a new partner who is willing to support her and the children in every way possible.
The stress created by various responsibilities of being a divorced mother greatly affects the women’s psychological health. Lorenz Frederick from Iowa State University, states in his study, “Divorce has long been linked to physical and emotional health problems” (Frederick 111). After much research, he states that women who divorced had higher levels of depressive symptoms two to three years later (Frederick 111). It may mean that even several years after the divorce has gone through, there are still memories, possible past regrets, and emotional breakdowns. Furthermore, the study on psychological health differences between married/unmarried and divorced women by Tracie Afifi states, “Separated/divorced mothers compared to married mothers had increased odds of having any anxious-misery disorder, depression… post traumatic stress disorder, any externalizing disorder, and antisocial personality disorder”(Afifi 122). Although it is possible that some women are much stronger and mentally happier after divorcing an abusive partner, especially if they developed depression during the years of marriage, however according to the above research, divorced mothers are more prone to depressive symptoms than married/unmarried mothers and many are left with regrets, feeling of helplessness, and depression. This in itself can lead to worse depressive symptoms than married mothers have.
Unfortunately, it is hard to know in research whether depression comes before the divorce occurred or after the divorce is final. For if a woman had psychological issues before separation, it is hard to say that her medical condition is caused by divorce. There is, however, a strong correlation between divorce and poor emotional health. There are many instances where mothers are faced with much stress and responsibility after divorce and thus are greatly emotionally affected by the tension of supporting a family on their own.
Some women are often times left emotionally vulnerable to other men and possible un-healthy relationships. A woman who has personally gone through a divorce says, “Without an ex-marine husband around, men tried to take advantage of me and hurt me. I stood up, stood up on my own, and survived it all without going into a ton of detail. I had PTSD from a few incidents… Had some moments of really bad depression… I had a few bouts with suicidal thoughts” (Tekkamaki). This woman had rough experiences with other men and relationships. She felt like she needed to stand strong on her own, but through that she had issues with depression and suicidal thoughts. Not all women are faced with rough experiences after divorce, especially if they have a strong support system. However, many do face rugged experiences and get hurt by other men.
Since many divorced mothers are experiencing poor emotional and are working a lot to support their families, the emotional tie with their children isn’t strong enough for children and mother’s adequate development. The question to be asked is: are children affected if the mother is at work all day? Leslie Bannetts quotes Jane Waldfogel, a Columbia University professor who wrote the book What Children Need, “Children do far better on average if their mothers do not work full-time in the first year of life” (Bannetts 269). This is seen especially in mothers who are choosing to breast feed; it’s almost impossible to be away from the baby for a full workday. The first year of life for children, is the time when they attach to the mother through diaper changing, feeding, smiling, and so on. It is during the time of attachment when the mother should stay with the baby and work on the child’s growth and development.
Some mothers who had been through a divorce could also have less satisfaction of being a mother to their child/children. A mother who had gone through a divorce says, “I have always known in my heart that I would be a mom… I just never thought I would be doing it on my own as a single [divorced] mom.” (Blue). This mother used to have a dream of being a mother and raising children with her partner, on the contrary, she ended up raising her child alone, with no support from a father. Not all mothers are left raising their children alone, however. Some mothers develop healthy relationships with family and friends who are available to help with the children when needed. There are still, a number of mothers who are raising children on their own. Even though raising a child brings much happiness, it may be much less satisfying to be raising a child alone.
Divorce may also affect the mother who is left without her children. A mother who has gone through divorce says, “I have read him bedtime stories, rocked him, changed his diapers… What could I say to his dad to allow me to see him? Even just…one a week? Or month? What will I tell my young son in the future? (P.E.). Even though it is rare to see a father gain custody of the child, 10% of children after divorce end up with their fathers (Steiner). That means that 10% of all divorces result in mothers not receiving full custody of their children. It is possible that a mother is not allowed, by the state, to gain full custody of her child because of being a danger to her child due to psychological and physical weaknesses. But it also may be that the mother’s ex husband had more legal rights to gain full custody of the child. Either way, the state does a fair job at concentrating on the well being of both mother and children. However, the state system may not be perfect, and some cases may be resolved unequally due to higher legal rights of the father and may leave a mother emotionally broken.
High divorce rates have greatly impacted our society as a whole, in that it strongly impacts our mothers and our future generation. The answer to the high divorce rate issue may be more difficult to answer than one may think. It is clear that divorce rates are negatively affecting our mothers and there are many opinions on how to fix it. Some viewpoints include religious ties, whereas other opinions refer to history and urge us to look to the past to know what to do in the present and future.
I think we, as a society, may be slowly planting thoughts of divorce in our children’s lives as they grow. It may be that we must take steps to prevent our children from practicing divorce in their early teen years. I see an interesting pattern with teenagers who are experimenting with relationships. Thousands of middle and high school aged kids are going through heart breaks and separation with their "sweethearts” many times before they enter marriage. I wonder if the pattern of starting relationships and breaking up over and over is a rehearsal of divorce. Are they setting themselves up for divorce?
To help eliminate this reoccurrence, different steps could be taken. For example, we might consider changing the rating system for movies that are being watched by our children. PG movies oftentimes include sexual content and might be giving the wrong message of marriage in general. Walt Disney’s movie The Proposal refers to marriage as being a simple way of keeping an immigrated woman in America before getting deported. The woman who is desperate to stay in America proposes a deal to her co-worker to get “fake” married. This movie may give kids an impression that marriage isn’t really a commitment, but that marriage is just something that could be brushed off in a comedy movie. This impression could lead our children into thinking that marriage is nothing more than a joke.
Some research suggests that America should stop getting married, especially for the purpose of the economy. Jessica Bennett quotes Diana Furchtgott-Roth, “unwed Americans may find it even more advantageous – financially, anyway – to stay single” (Bennett). This suggests that single people are much better off being single, especially for money purposes. Single men won’t have to support a whole family and single women won’t either. Jessica Bennett also states, “the idea that we’re meant to be together forever is less realistic”(Bennett). That means that we, as human beings, with a life span in the high 70’s, shouldn’t be obligated to be with one person our whole lives. They compare the European countries where marriage rates are lower; hence their divorce rates are also lower (Bennett). It is a controversial topic and does have a great deal of positive effects to it, but there is still question whether women will feel financially secure and whether mothers will live a healthy life style within this solution. Or maybe “no marriage” can work.
Others, however, suggest to change the expectations before entering marriage and to learn to work hard on it. Caitlin Flanagan who studies family structures states, “A lasting marriage is the reward, usually, of hard work and self-sacrifice” (Flanagan). Marriage is not something you can give up and move on to, it’s something that requires self-sacrifice and hard work.
I think having free marriage counseling for couples that desire help could be one of the solutions. In other words, there should be a professional marriage counselor in every county, who is meant to serve anyone who needs help with marriage. Also, America should require education of some sort in order for a couple to get married. I suggest that marriage should be looked at as an honor, something that one has to earn through education, possibly a degree. The education could include problem-solving and communication skills as well as lessons about the decision making process in life and prevention of unwanted consequences when making choices. Education can give couples hope and a fresh start to shape their love life.
Works Cited
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