Marriage Versus Divorce and the Future of Our Family - a draft

            Colorful flowers, beautiful décor, great weather, and the perfect white dress are the headlines for nearly every BRIDES magazine. It is clear that in our society, a wedding is one of the most important and most celebrated events in our lives. Preschool aged girls dream to meet their prince charming and run away with him and live happily ever after. It is a life dream, a goal, a wish; something that we were taught to look forward to, since childhood. The question is, however, do all our childhood dreams of living “happily ever after” occur in marriage? Is prince charming always as charming as he was when a couple first met? Does the princess always stay as sweet as honey and serve her prince in every way? The answer is: Yes. But only in fairy tails. Since marriage is not a simple love affair (Campbell), some choose to say “goodbye” to their “lifelong” partner and chose another fit; others stay in a marriage and suffer through the hard times. There are different effects to both and I will contrast and compare the distinction between the two: marriage vs. divorce.            

            When hearing the word “marriage”, what comes to your mind? Of course, for everyone, this word will bring different emotions, feelings, and actions. For some anger comes to mind, for others, it brings happiness. With our different experiences and emotions, we can all agree that marriage is definitely not easy. In fact, Joseph Campbell says in his documentary called “The power of a myth” that, “Marriage is not a simple love affair; it’s an ordeal, and the ordeal is the sacrifice of ego to a relationship in which two have become one” (Campbell). Though the wedding day may seem like a fairy tale, marriage itself is more of a sacrifice than anything else.

            A marriage between two partners is crucial for the couple’s children. Children feel like the parents agree on certain rules and the parents don’t try to gain more of his/her child’s love. A happy marriage creates a beautiful environment for a child where he/she feels safe and loved – like nowhere else in the world. It also creates protection for each partner in the marriage. Caitlin Flanagan, an author of a book Girl Land, states in her writing, “a lasting covenant between a man and a woman can be a vehicle for the nurture and protection of each other, the one reliable shelter in an uncaring world” (Flanagan). Although this world may seem very caring, it is filled with hate, cruelty, and crime; however, within a lasting marriage, both individuals may feel safe and protected. And feeling protected will leave them caring for their young with much love and security.

            One of the most important factors of marriage is that it raises and sets an example for generations to come. Caitlin Flanagan also says that, “[marriage is to] raise the next generation, to protect and teach it, to instill in it the habits of conduct and character that will ensure the generation's own safe passage into adulthood… that's the generation who will be taking care of us when we are old” (Flanagan). So marriage isn’t just an act of love or sacrifices being made to one another – it is the base for the generation that will be taking care of us when we are old. A good marriage effects the future generation like no other, it builds a foundation for our children to stand on and take example of, teaching them to love, protect, and care.

            In contrast, divorce has a much different effect on society rather than a good marriage. For many individuals, divorce may be a very good experience for various different reasons, for example: abusive parent/partner, neglecting parent/partner, etc. However, in the larger picture of our society and the effects of divorce on it, may in fact be negative, especially on children and their future relationships. Professor at Dickinson College, Marie Helweg-Larsen states that “In fact, research suggests that individuals with divorced parents hold less favorable attitudes toward marriage (Jennings, Salts, & Smith,1992)… and are less optimistic about their chances of experiencing a satisfying marriage and of not getting a divorce    “ (Helweg-Larsen 159). The experiences that children have when they are young are much more likely to occur later in their lives, including divorce.

            In contrast to a good marriage, divorce has a more negative effect on our future generation. The question to be asked is, “What will a family look like in 20 years?” If parents are setting examples of divorce today, will there be such a thing as marriage in 20 years? If children are not receiving true love from parents today, will they be looking for it elsewhere? Perhaps in the arms of a stranger. Or maybe we’ll have thousands of children who don’t know who their true father is, seeking to gain finances through physical crime and assault. And yet we still face the fact the one in five marriages dissolve within the first five years. (Bennett) And we can still stand up to the fact that the highest figure ever recorded for births outside of marriage in 2008 was 41% of all births in the U.S. (Bennett) If 41% of the children that had been born outside of marriage are now four years of age, who will they become at the age of 14? 18?

Works Cited

Bennett, Jessica, and Jesse Ellison. “I DON’T” Newsweek; 2010. Vol. 155, Issue 25, p 42 – 45.

Campbell Joseph, Bill Moyers. The Power of Myth: Love and Goddess. PBS video, 1988.

Flanagan, Caitlin. “Why Marriage Matters.” Time; 7.13.2009: p 45 -49. Print.

Helweg-Larsen, Hilary G. Harding, William M. P. Klein. “Will I Divorce or Have a Happy Marriage?: Gender Differences in Comparative Optimism and Estimation of Personal Chances Among U.S. College Students.” Basic and Applied Social Psychology.  3. 2011. P. 157 – 166.

Where is the love? Family History.

            I remember sitting on the couch with my eyes looking at the pretty shapes on the ceiling above me as a child, living the most wonderful day of the week. Thinking of how the week went and how I should deal with some of the drama in school. As soon as I heard my dad’s work van, I jerked up from my comfortable, soft couch and ran to the kitchen, got on with my house chores to “look busy” when he comes home. Yes. That is my dad. He is a hard working man, in fact; the most hard working I man I have yet met. I was only 4 when I came to the U.S. and by the time I was 5, we had our first computer (a very delicate item at the time) and by the age of 5 ½, we have already owned our own home. Did I mention my dad is a very busy man? In just two years we owned a house. A year later my dad opened his own business and as soon as he started thinking about our education and well being, he opened his own private school for us to attend, with many other, of course. Within a year our private was progressing like no other. Many Slavic families only wished and waited to get into the school my dad successfully established.

         As a child I was taught to work like no other. I was taught to achieve goals and make my dreams come true no matter what it required of me to accomplish. My dad provided a good paying “job” for my 6 siblings and me in our family business and, I admit, it was not the “best job in the world” that he described it to be. It took long nights and hard days to grow as a company we are today. Of course he paid us, and as children, we never had problems with money. Our dad taught us to achieve goals and taught us the importance of knowing how money evolves and how to keep it flowing through our pockets.

         Having a great dad with his great abilities and skills in everything there could possibly be in this world made my childhood incredibly interesting. He is proficient in 3 languages, he has high education in heating & electric work, ability to build 6 more houses after our first one, and never did he dare pay someone else to do his work. He is the man of the house. Period. It wasn’t always easy, especially when I had my friend over and was encouraged to too, bring her with me to my “best job in the world” and my friend truly took my dad’s word for it, since she didn’t have such opportunity to gain cash easily. My friend went home happy, that’s for sure! As I have gotten older, I have found myself longing to relax, longing for some peace and comfort. A busy life has taken a hold of me and I too, carried on my dad’s traits to find myself in college as a 16 year old, achieving more than I thought I’d ever lay my hands on. It was great! And as an adult I found it being my thing – to be busy. It was my thing to be social, make contacts, talk, talk, talk, and achieve my dreams. With all my successes came failures and mistakes and in all the great traits carried on from my Father, I still needed something to fill the gap – gap of stillness, gentleness, and peacefulness.

         Having a relationship with God was, for the most part, my greatest success. He was the one leading me to the place where I am now, providing peace, security, and comfort that I was longing for. And one day, actually, it took 3 years that God showed me the man – the man of my dreams. Yes, he has dreams, he is social, he is very out going and loves being around people but there is something about him that was a big chunk of nothingness in my childhood – stillness. His family is very peaceful and would rather all stay home to watch a family movie one evening instead of building millions of houses. He is steady, yet spontaneous; social, but the best listener.  He shaped my adult years in a way that nobody could have. The thought of him makes my day turn into a melody, a very quiet and relaxing melody. It’s beautiful.

         The outgoing, “crazy” person who I grew up to be turned into a calmer, steady, yet still a talker and enthusiastic person that I once was. It was a crazy change that occurred inside when I started learning more of what is expected of me as a future wife and what is expected of me as woman being watched by younger girls looking for a hero. It was then when I started being more accepting and open to new ideas. I started, together with Yar, working with the youth in our church and getting them more involved in the community. It is amazing to see the hearts of young people fill with love to serve and love others just like they love themselves. That is when all the myths I’ve been thought as a child about racism and black/white/yellow/red people went away. I realized that love is the only thing that matters in life. IT ALL COMES DOWN TO LOVE. That is my favorite sentence.

         I would read the Love Chapter from Corinthians over and over, making notes of every single word. I was amazed. If only there would be enough love in this world! If only there were enough people to show the love! There would be no evil, there would be no shame, no judging, no discrimination, no suffering, just love. So I ask myself: “where is the love?” And now, as a changed person, I am wondering the streets of Portland Oregon, asking myself this question day to day… what will I choose to do about it?